Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
--- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--- William Butler Yeats

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--- Catherine Andonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--- Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--- Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--- Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a Frontal lobotomy.
--- Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--- Stephen Wright

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone else is a few drinks behind.
--- Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--- Kaiser Wilhelm

You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor.
---Anonymous

And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good.
Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much
light."
--- Anonymous

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--- Dean Martin


Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
--- Anonymous