Two days ago my uncle died. My father’s brother. He’s the last of my
aunts & uncles from my father’s side. Very sad. He was a sweetheart.
But everything’s now tainted with horrible questions like, did this one
know something? Did that one molest me too? And of course I also feel
like crap for tarnishing my father’s “memory”.
Anyway, uncles funeral is tomorrow & I’m having panic attacks &
anxiety attacks. Until a few hours ago I managed to not think about it
but with tomorrow looming over me… it’s starting to take a toll.
I’m also gripped with tremendous fear. He will be buried in the same
cemetery as father. And I don’t want to be anywhere near there. I know
it’s irrational, he can’t do anything to me but still I’m petrified.
My siblings know how I’ve remembered that father did this to me. Most
have been kind but also most have said that although they believe me,
they don’t know how to compute that their father did this.
So although I’ll be surrounded by loving family (most being cousins who
don’t know) I can’t talk to any of them about what I’m feeling. And I
think it’s really insensitive to talk about my issues when their just
grieving.
I know that if I reached out, my T would offer to talk on the phone but I
don’t want to… I don’t know what to say &… I hate taking up any of
T’s time outside of our scheduled sessions.
So I come to you. Hoping for something… kindness perhaps? Advice? I
don’t know. I leave that up to you & thank you in advance for taking
time out to reply to me.
I’m so so very scared :(((
