What's the difference between, "Ooooh," and "Ahhhh?"

About three inches

##########


Q: What do you do with your a****** during wild sex?

A: Leave him home with the kids!!!!!

##########

What's the difference between a golf ball and woman's G-spot?

A man will look 20 minutes for a golf

##########

Q. Why are men smarter during sex?

A. Because they are plugged into a genius

##########

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

God's punishment

Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately,
a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled
to death. Being good God-fearing men, they ascended
to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be
quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our
rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One
rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks,
then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."

That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly
Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere!
In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then
they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went
on and on.

Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman
in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd
be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said,
"You will be together forever," and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally
stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked
and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure
enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman.
"I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished.
" With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two
of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.

Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One
day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde.
He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together
now and forever more," and walked away.

Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve
this?" "I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman,
"But I stepped on a duck..."

WOMAN: Doctor, I'm so distraught. My husband can't have sex with me anymore!

DOCTOR: You're in luck, there's this great new drug called Viagra. Guaranteed to do the trick. I can prescribe you some pills.

WOMAN: That's just the thing. My husband, he hates taking pills.

DOCTOR [thinking]: All right. I'm not supposed to suggest this, but if you ground up a pill and poured it into his, say, coffee, he'll never know.

TWO WEEKS LATER.

WOMAN [distraught]: Oh, Doctor!

DOCTOR: What's the matter, it didn't work?

WOMAN: Well, I did what you said. Except, I thought that if one pill would do the trick, five would be even better.

DOCTOR: I don't really condone overdosage. Is your husband okay? What happened?

WOMAN: Well, I ground up the pills and secretly put it in his coffee.

DOCTOR: And it didn't work?

WOMAN: No, it did. He took one sip, started shaking, and then he ripped off my clothes and made mad, passionate love to me right then and there.

DOCTOR: Well, isn't that what you wanted?

WOMAN: Yes, but I can never go into Starbucks again!!

The pope dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomes him and asks if he's ready to enter heaven for all eternity. The pope replies, "Yes, but before I go in, I would really like to see what hell is like."

St. Peter thinks a moment and then responds, "I suppose it would be okay if you went down there for a half hour or so."

With that, the pope finds himself in hell, where, to his amazement, the inhabitants are having a huge party. They have the best of the best spread out: French champagne, Italian food, and music of all sorts, from Lawrence Welk to Jimi Hendrix. As the pope watches everyone eating, drinking and being merry, he starts to become very hungry and cannot wait to go back to heaven.

When the pope returns, St. Peter asks him, "How was hell?"

The pope replies, "Well, they were having such a big feast, I became famished watching them."

St. Peter then asks if the pope is ready to enter heaven, to which the pope replies, "Oh yes, I'm very excited. If the people in hell are having such a good time, I cannot imagine how great heaven will be!"

With that, St. Peter leads the pope into a small white room with a small white table and white chairs, and instructs the pope to have a seat. The pope looks a little puzzled but abides his host.

After a few minutes, Jesus enters the room carrying a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk, and takes a seat.

A moment later, St. Peter enters bearing two peanut butter sandwiches and glasses of milk. He hands a peanut butter sandwich and glass of milk to the pope, and sits down and starts to eat.

As they silently sit eating, the pope becomes more and more agitated, until St. Peter finally asks him why he is not eating.

"Well," the pope responds, "down in hell they are having a big bash, with all the finest food, drink, music and dancing. I imagined heaven would top even that!"

"Why," St. Peter queries, raising his eyebrows, "you don't expect us to do all that for just the three of us, do you?"

Lipstick Prints

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

A first standard teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first standard. My sister is in the third standard and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third standard too!"

The teacher said enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first standard and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third standard kid should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third standard."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide but before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. Johnny replied, "Pockets."

(Now no reactions on Johnny's face. He was so cool!)

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Johnny: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
Johnny: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I?' sort of questions. Ok?"
Johnny: "Yep."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. the best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Johnny: "Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Johnny: "Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth standard, I missed the last ten questions myself."

A Proud PAKISTANI!

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands

explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception.

A boy named Sumair has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why he has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American." replied Sumair
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a PROUD PAKISTANI," boasts the little boy.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sumair

"why he is a PAKISTANI".


"Well", my mom and dad are Pakistanis, "so I'm Pakistani too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly "if your mom
was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile.


"Then" says Sumair, "I'd be an American

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

A guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.

Staring at him in disbelief she asks, "What the HELL...?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!"

He says, "Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive.....?

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"

Kathy frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."
_________________

The Lawyer and the Farmer

A big city Mumbai lawyer went duck hunting in rural
Bihar. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the
lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove
up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this
field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer
replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the
best lawyers in India and, if you don't let me
get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't
know how we do things in Bihar. We settle small
disagreements like this with The Bihar Three Kick
Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Bihar Three
Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three
times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and
forth, until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
abide by the Local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed
down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His
first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second
kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister
was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney
nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to
get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up.
You can have the duck"

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinochle team from the deli-that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Oy vey!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back.
"Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

¡°Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day.
"Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Moshe's ultra with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Yitzhak that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."

"Oyo gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next day.
"Right, Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

The Last Wish
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says
"I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says:


"Make 'em all ugly again".

Drink Driving
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
_________________

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas
station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The
first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two
aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your
leader!" Of course he gets no response...

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again.
"Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no
response...

The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show
me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the
next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle
to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling
take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his
ray gun and vaporizes the pump...

The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way
down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to
the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you
warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was
going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick
hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough
to stick in his left ear!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty

she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Drivers Permit

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
_________________

TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote (Men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And the number one reason God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
_________________
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.

A STUDENT IS UNABLE TO PRONUNCE A WORD CALLED VELOCITY AND HE PRONOUNCES IT AS VELOKITY.THE TEACHER SAID HIM MANY TIMES TO SPELL CORRECTLY, BUT HE CANT GET IT..
AT LAST THE TEACHER CALLED HIS FATHER AND REPORTED THE SAME TO HIM...
FATHER:...
MMMM ... LEAVE IT ON HIM MAM..
I THINK HIS CAPAKITY (CAPACITY)
IS UP TO THAT ONLY...
_________________
Jab meh marjow to meri kabar peh zaroor aana do phool chara dehna, agar rohna na aye toh muskara dehna.

A family just arrived in Canada as immigrants from Palestine. The first day
the 10 years old kid, went to a school in Montreal, he was asked by the
teacher to introduce himself.
He said: -"I just arrived from Palestine, and my name is Mohammed."
The teacher told him that this name doesn't properly fit with the newschool.
She suggested changing his name to "Johnny" and the kid liked the new name.
When he went back home, his mother yelled: -"Mohammed, come & chat with me
on your first day."
The kid didn't answer... his mother went to see why didn't he answer.
He said: -"My name is Johnny not Mohammed anymore," then his mother slapped
him & left. The same story was repeated with his father. He didn't reply,
thus he was slapped harder by his worried dad.
The second day when he went to the school, the teacher asked him: -"What did
you end up doing yesterday?"
He said: "Can you believe it? My first day as an immigrant in Canada I was
attacked by two Arab terrorists!!!"

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
_________________
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.

Then there was this man who opened the fridge and said "Oops sorry" and closed the fridge.

He had seen the SALAD DRESSING

A priest moved to the town of Pentonvilli .

It was a Monday and wrote some letters to his friends and went out to find the post office since he had moved to this new place on Saturday and had not been around town yet.
He noticed a young boy playing in the street and said 'Hey young boy. Whats your name" The boy politely replied "My names Robert"
Priest: "Robert can you tell me the way to the post office "
Robert: "Oh, you turn left at the junction and first turn right"
Priest: "How come I did not see you at church on Sunday"
Robert: " I don¡¯t go to the church"
Priest: "You should come regurlary and I will teach you the way to God"
To which Robert replied: "You don¡¯t know your way to the post office, how will you teach me the way to God"

An English fan is having a quiet drink in a Sydney bar. He leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear an Aussie joke?" The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke you should know something: I'm six feet tall, weigh 105kg (~230lbs) and I'm a Wallaby forward. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 115kg and is an ex-Wallaby. Next to him is a bloke who's 6'5", weighs 120kg and is a current Wallaby second-rower. "Now, do you still want to tell that Aussie joke?" The English fan says, "Nah . . . not if I'm going to have to explain it three times

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and tells him, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"


"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." and picks up the
dog to examine its eyes. He then checks its teeth. Finally, he says "I'm
going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

The man was in no shape to drive so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was stumbling along, he was stopped by a policewoman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture," he answered.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" asked the policewoman.

"My wife", he replied.


_________________

Wo dil hi kiya jo tere milne ki dua na kare
mai tuj ko bhool kar zinda rahon khuda na kare

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to bump into the preacher. The preacher turns around and almost drops from the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The shocked preacher dunks him into the water for a little longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?