"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a
rock."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."

"Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter."

"Love your enemies: it really gets them confused."

"Dont be mad at your government. They haven't done anything."